


Texts from Last Escape

by spacedaydreamer



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Gen, a bunch of minis based on those posts because lets be real all of them are canon, check out textsfromzeroescape tumblr for all the joy and laughter you could desire, i'll update this any time i get inspiration for more stupid crack minis, it's all based on the TFLN zero escape tumblr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-09-14 20:11:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9200408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacedaydreamer/pseuds/spacedaydreamer
Summary: A series of crack minis based on TFLN posts. Notes of each chapter will have the inspiration post linked, no ratings or warnings off the bat because who knows what these fics will bring.





	1. They gave me a cat until i fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.

**Author's Note:**

> Starting strong, we've got Sigma“They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he’s fluffy.” Klim. Seeing as these are all crack, Sigma may be a touch out of character, but i'm just writing this to make people laugh. As well, if you've got any posts that you think would make a great mini, say in a comment and if i get the inspiration for it i'll do my best to write it!
> 
> original post: http://textsfromzeroescape.tumblr.com/post/154634897488

“They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he’s fluffy.”

Sigma was confined to a hospital bed, gently stroking a fluffed cat. He’d been given an anti-anxiety medication before some minor surgery, and was still very much under the influence. Diana and Phi were in the room watching him, the latter not even bothering to pretend not to laugh. 

“Yes Sigma, he is very fluffy.”

It was Diana who’d given him the stuffed cat in the first place, but it was clear that Sigma had already forgotten as much. The entire scene was completely surreal- he was smiling and laughing to himself in a way neither Phi nor Diana had ever seen, oblivious to the world around him. The closest Phi could describe it as was if the younger Sigma had come back, and had consequently gotten high off his ass; but even that probably wouldn’t have led to the hilarity they were witnessing.

“Do… D’you think that I can keep him? Mr. Fluffy?”

“So long as you’re good, I’m sure they’ll let you keep him Sigma.”

“Aaaah, I’m plenty good. ‘M real good, right Phido?”

Phi was beside herself with laughter, but Sigma hardly even seemed to notice. He just kept asking her, until she was finally able to catch her breath long enough to answer.

“Y-Yep. You’re- pffft- a r-really good kid… S-Siggy.”

She only managed to get that much out, before she started laughing yet again. Diana had never seen her laugh that much in her entire life, but she couldn’t really blame her- this was genuinely hilarious.

“See, Diana? I’m a good kid! Phido said so!”

“Yes, you’re a very good kid, Sigma. But you need to go to sleep now, okay? Mr. Fluffy will still be there in the morning for you.”

“Fiiiiiiiine…. G’night then, Mr. Fluffy…”

Sigma gave the stuffed cat one last gentle pet, as well as a tender kiss on the top of its head, before finally closing his eyes. It only took him a few minutes to pass out, and the two women started leaving the hospital. However, Diana couldn’t help but notice that Phi was quite fixated on her phone…. _Wait_.

She didn’t even need to ask, as Phi help up the screen for Diana to see. Front and center was a video clip focused on Sigma, Phi’s poorly muffled laughter in the background as he rambled on for Diana. It had only been up for minutes but it already had quite a few hits- a large number of them were presumably from Junpei, judging by his comment appearing directly below the video.

“Sigma’s going to hate you for that, you know?”

“Yep. And I’m okay with that.”


	2. Can’t believe that we’re making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this time it's some good old c-team ot3, and junpei is waaaaay too bi for this shit.
> 
> original post: http://textsfromzeroescape.tumblr.com/post/150636677399

“Can’t believe that we’re making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with.”

Junpei was starting at Akane in disbelief, as she continued to text the (admittedly super-hot) guy they’d met last night. Akane just shrugged, not too bothered by this.

“Well I mean, we didn’t just sleep with him because he was hot. He’s also really nice, and he had a great sense of humour.”

“Yeah, but… we literally met him and had sex with him, and now we’re all going to spend a weekend at the beach together. Isn’t that a bit.. fast?”

“You’d think someone would be more worried about the ‘sex on the first date’ part than the weekend getaway.”

“Th-that’s not what I meant and you know it!”

Junpei was visibly flustered, red in the face and shaking his head. Meanwhile Akane didn’t even look up from her phone once, clearly deep in the planning process.

“Do you think it’d be better to meet in the morning, or afternoon? He says he’s free all day, so what do you think?”

“I-I… I…” Junpei sighed, defeated. “….Meet in the morning, then we can get to the beach before it’s too busy.”

“Oh, you’re a genius, Jumpy!”

He looked away to hide his blush, muttering a quiet thanks while Akane kept talking.

“Do you think I should bring a bikini, or stick to my one-piece? I know you’ve only got swimming trunks- actually, they’re a few years old now, you should probably get new ones. Oh, we could go swimsuit shopping together! And I wonder what kind of suit Carlos has…”

Junpei couldn’t help but wonder himself at Akane’s question- just what sort of suit _would_ he have? From the little he knew he doubted Carlos would be much of the speedo type- maybe those tight competitive swimmer shorts, then? Well, he did have a damn nice ass, it’d be a shame to hide it under some loose-fitting trunks….

Wait, Junpei was distracting himself. Don’t think about how nice of a butt Carlos had, don’t let yourself get distracted by his thighs, or his abs, or his chiseled face, or-

Wow, was it getting hot in here?

“Junpei, were you listening to me?”

“Wh-what? U-uh, yeah. Swimsuits. I should probably get a new one.”

Akane clapped her hands together in triumph, careful not to betray the fact that she had been watching Junpei the entire time out of the corner of her eye, and was fully aware of how flustered he was.

“Great, then it’s a date! We’ll grab new suits tomorrow, then meet up again with Carlos on Saturday. Oh, I’m so excited…”

“Y-yeah, me too.”

This was shaping up to be an interesting weekend.


	3. Pretty Accurate, huh Ladies?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time, it's Junpei learning that he should really know better than to drink in public while trying to impress girls. My poor son.
> 
> Original post: http://textsfromzeroescape.tumblr.com/post/144250548106

Junpei stood in the elevator, fists clenched as he looked between Aoi and Akane. The two had just walked in, and he seriously wanted to impress Akane- but how? He didn’t stop to consider that it might be a bad idea to try impressing the girl he was crushing on while rather tipsy, especially considering the stories friends would occasionally tell him, instead his mind working as furiously as he could to decide what to do. He saw his chance when Akane went to hit the fifth floor button, putting a confident hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I got this.”

Akane gave him a very confused look, but he only stood back, took a second to steady himself, and then kicked the button. Or, to be more accurate, the fifth floor button as well as every button surrounding it. He didn’t notice as Aoi gave an exasperated sigh, only focusing on how much Akane was laughing.

“Pretty accurate, huh ladies?”

“Y-yep, v-very- pffft- accurate, Jumpy.”

Aoi seemed quite indignant about something Junpei had said, but Junpei had no possible idea what that could be. He hadn’t said anything wrong, had he?

He almost got off the elevator when it first opened, but Akane held him back.

“Jumpy, it’s only the third floor. We’re all on the fifth floor, remember?”

“Oh, right.”

Much the same happened at the next floor, with Akane holding him back yet again, however he was finally allowed to return to his room the third time the door opened. Aoi was still questioning how he’d managed to end up sharing the room with Junpei, but better him than Akane. Not that Junpei would actually try anything- no, it was mostly just saving Akane a night of no sleep from an idiot who sleep-talked.

Junpei hardly even lasted a couple seconds after hitting the bed, falling asleep with some soft snoring. Only a few seconds later, he started mumbling to himself, completely unaware of everything around him. Well, if Aoi was going to be up all night anyways, might as well have some fun…

-

Junpei stared in disbelief at Aoi’s phone, or more specifically, the audio clip he was playing. It was soft and a bit hard to hear, but you could still clearly make out Junpei’s own voice, over the sounds of his snores.

“Mmmnnn…. Kaaannyyyyyy….. ‘rn’t you ‘mpressed? I hit the button, ‘m a good shot… y’see? Y’don needta worry…. y’wont get wet… i’ll be thereee…..”

Junpei’s disbelief was turning into slow horror, as Aoi’s phone sat lazily in his hand. The smirk on the other boy’s face was gigantic- he was clearly enjoying this much more than Junpei was.

“I-I wasn’t _that_ drunk, was I?”

“Dude, you tried to impress her by kicking the fifth floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, “pretty accurate, huh ladies”? You _were_ that drunk.”

Junpei had no words. He needed to remind himself to never drink in public ever again.


	4. Only I would get off to receiving death threats online

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up now, a fun interpretation of the horrible mess that is the Klim family tree, featuring Dio and Left. Don't ask me who their mom is, im not sure i want to know.
> 
> Original post: http://textsfromzeroescape.tumblr.com/post/154809096807

“Only I would get off to receiving death threats online.”

“D-Dio, this is serious! You shouldn’t be laughing, we should tell dad.”

“Don’t even worry about it man, nothing’s actually gonna happen. It’s just some dumbass who thinks they can scare me.”

Dio looked at the computer screen with smug satisfaction, taking in the beauty of this all. Whoever’d sent this was either a troll who got off on _sending_ death threats, or someone who genuinely hated his guts- either one was fully possible. Dio was a dickbag and he both knew that fact and was quite proud of it.

“W-well then, at least block them! Don’t enable them, Dio.”

“Left, seriously. I’m gonna enjoy this as long as I can- if it makes you feel better, just tell yourself that I’m distracting one troll from telling other innocents to die in a fire.”

Left sighed- even if they were twins, they were hardly alike. In fact, they were really the polar opposites of each other. Y’know, because Left actually seemed to care about people other than himself. Meh, that stuff was for the weak.

“Dio… you’re an idiot.”

“Wow, harsh coming from you, bro.”

Left was shaking his head in resignation, watching Dio with a face that showed he was far too used to his brother’s antics and he knew that no matter what he said, nothing would change how he was.

“You’re probably rubbing off on me. Or it might just be this entire family rubbing off on me.”

“Heh, that’s possible.”

It was quite possibly a miracle that Left was relatively normal, considering everyone they were related to. Their dad was a conspiracy theorist, Grandfather was a highly eccentric scientist of god-knew-what, and their aunt… well, Phi was ‘sassy’. Left likely took after Diana, but how he’d somehow managed to avoid the influence of everyone else to end up like their grandma was beyond him.

“Welp, time to respond.”

“…you didn’t listen to me at all then, did you.”

“Nope.”

Left sighed again- he tended to do that a _lot_ when hanging around Dio.

Dio looked again at the comment, trying to decide the best way to pretend as if he’d been slightly offended but was acting tough to ‘scare’ the anon. He did this stuff all the time, so he knew the best wordings, and he proofread it a couple times before hitting post, proud of his work. Left, on the other hand, was not.

“You’re hopeless.”

“Thanks for the compliment.”


	5. Uhmm, It's Called Hentai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because life hates Kyle Klim.
> 
> Original post: http://textsfromzeroescape.tumblr.com/post/139349127185

“Uhmm… It’s called… hentai.”

“I don’t _care_ what it’s called, I don’t want it on my work computer!”

Kyle was fidgeting awkwardly, staring at his father. He’d only intended to use the computer for a half hour or so, but Sigma had come home early… these were the times where he desperately hated his life (well, more than usual).

“Look, father, I promise I didn’t go looking for it on purpose, I just made a couple wrong clicks-“

“Kyle, it’s still porn. On my work computer.”

“…. I know, father.”

“If you must google that stuff, use the family computer.”

Kyle blinked and stared at his father, unsure of what to say. So, hentai on the _work_ computer was bad, but the _family_ computer was perfectly fine? He couldn’t tell if Sigma was just messing with him, or actually serious- his tone of voice would be the same either way.

“This computer has better antivirus, but I can’t take the risk anyways. The family computer doesn’t have anything important on it, so we can run the risk. Just lock the door if you’re going to be using it, and I’m sure your mother would prefer if you used headphone-“

“ _Oh my god, dad, **stop**._ ”

This was not happening. This was not happening. His father was not talking to him about his porn intake. This was _not_ happening. Kyle wondered if he could get a black hole to open underneath him to swallow him whole, but he doubted he’d be that lucky.

“What? I’m just saying, that computer is better equipped.”

“Father, please never speak to me about this again. Ever.”

Sigma crossed his arms, looking confused. Kyle prayed to every god that he could think of that his father wouldn’t say anything more, but apparently the gods took pleasure from his suffering.

“What? You’re a healthy young boy, and I never did give you the talk. You’ve probably figured enough out on your own by now, but if you have questions, you can always talk to m-“

“Ok, thanks father, bye.”

Kyle didn’t even let him finish before interrupting and walking from the room as quickly as possible, just doing all in his power to avoid this situation getting any worse. Well, it was already terrible, but the _last_ thing he wanted was getting ‘the talk’ from his father. Still, fate continued to laugh at him, as he heard his father shout down the hall after him.

“Kyle, you still have to delete your hentai from the computer!”

He could already hear snickering from behind the door to Phi’s room, and he was pretty sure he heard a book drop from Delta’s.

“I hate my life.”


	6. You sent me 45 texts saying “meow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again with the weird college aus, Phi and Sigma have a vitriolic friendship that i do appreciate.
> 
> Original post: http://textsfromzeroescape.tumblr.com/post/141845098529/submitted-by-retsuunohana

“You sent me 45 texts saying “meow?”.”

“Did I?”

Phi had shoved her phone up in Sigma’s face, who seemed to be ignoring the clear evidence of what he’d done. In reality, he had been 100% sober last night- he’d just thought it’d be really funny to text Phi the same thing 45 times.

And clearly, he’d been right.

“You goddamned furry, stop doing this!”

“Phi, I don’t nya what you’re talking ameowt.”

“Oh don’t you fucking start this with me again, Sigma Klim.”

“Seriously Phi, I’m purrsitively clueless.”

Phi’s eye twitched as he effortlessly spouted cat puns, and he couldn’t stop an idiotic grin from making its way into his face. He couldn’t help it- Phi just made herself too easy to mess with sometimes. It wasn’t _his_ fault that she was a dog person.

“Sigma, I am going to block your number if you do this again. I swear to god, I will block your number and move to Japan.”

“Japanya? Well, I’m sure Junpei and Akane could help get me in contnyact with you.”

“I hate you. I hate you so much.”

Sigma flashed her a toothy grin, and she sighed. It wasn’t like he was _forcing_ her to stay friends with him- she’d known what she was getting into. Really, his cat puns weren’t claws for concern…

“I do think you should adopt a cat, Phi. It’ll just purrfectly calm your nerves, and then maybe you won’t be so ready to fight all the time.”

“That’ll never happen. I’m always ready to fight.”

“And that’s what I meown. That can’t be good fur your skin.”

Phi’s eye twitched again, and her hands closed into fists. Oh shit, time to dodge-

“You’re lucky you’re faster than you look, you know that? Dumbass.”

“Haha, better luck next time, Phi!”

“You’ve dodged like, one out of twenty. Hardly a good track record.”

“Ouch, you wound me…”

Sigma put his hand to his chest in an overdramatic show of false pain, and Phi too the opportunity to connect her fist with his arm- it didn’t hurt, it never did- but it was the thought that counted.

“Anyways, never text me again.”

“We’ll see ameowt that.”

“I hate you.”


End file.
